Know it but never doing it

I had a moment of realisation today. I’ve probably had this thought before but today it really slapped me round the face, as these things sometimes do. It was this:

I KNOW exactly what I need to do to change my life and make myself happier. I know it all. I’ve read all the books, I’ve had good days and remember how great they felt, I know how good I feel when I eat properly, I know how alive and buzzy and awesome yoga makes me feel, I know how good fresh air feels on my face and I know how good food makes me feel.

On the flip side, I’ve been in this cycle of sadness and mess for enough years to know exactly how shit binging makes me feel, how lumpy and heavy and crap I feel when I don’t move my body or eat properly. I’ve binged enough that it’s amazing I still do it. Really! I know how I feel after. How come I keep doing that to myself? It’s so messed up. I’m so tired and sick of it. I’m sick of making new goals (I’ll do x by x) and moving them, and binging and being hungry and skipping the gym and making fat jokes about myself and buying new clothes and having a wardrobe of clothes that don’t fit. I’m so tired.

So I know that enough is enough. I know I’m done. But I don’t know what the alternative is. It’s been 17 years of this.

I guess it’s baby steps. Yoga a bit more. Read more yoga books and spend more time concentrating on myself rather than blaming the situation on other things (hate job etc) and telling myself it’ll get better when some other factor changes. Go to the gym or for a nice walk, just a couple of times a week and feel invigorated and fitter. Eat real good food – not diet food, not binge food. Eat until I am full and eat when I am hungry (I really have no idea what that looks like). Sort through my clothes and find things I feel good in. Wear contact lenses more. Wear jewellery more.  Be more present in my own being, rather than plodding along. Don’t accept that this is how I have to live. Be sure that I deserve more and I won’t be like this forever. Read inspiring blogs. Cook interesting food. Drink more water.